Discernment Counseling: What Is It, How It Works & Benefits 2024
Considering ending a relationship can be one of the most stressful moments of life, and it’s also an area where friends and family are likely to jump in and offer their advice. The issue here, however, is that loved ones often give advice based on their personal experiences and ideas of how life “should” be, along with their fears and needs — not yours.
That’s why seeing a qualified mental health professional is crucial; it gives you a safe space to release all your innermost thoughts, fears, and desires without a judgemental response or advice based on what they would do in that situation.
Discernment counseling can help you determine what the next best course of action is for your life and your relationship. Read on to learn how discernment therapy differs from traditional couples or marriage counseling and how it can save you countless months or years of feeling on the fence about your relationship.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling[1] is a brief type of therapy for couples who are unsure if they want to stay together. It was designed for “mixed-agenda”[2] couples, where one partner is thinking of leaving, and the other wants the relationship to work.
Meeting with a discernment counselor can help the couple understand each other better and give them a safe space to consider all their options before making a final decision. Together and individually, the couple and counselor go over crucial questions and discern whether or not their relationship is salvageable. The therapist acts more so as a mediator, offering unbiased advice, guidance, and tools to help each individual identify what they want and how to best move forward.
Why Discernment Therapy Is Helpful If You’re Considering Divorce
Marital and family therapy often work from the assumption that the couple is there to improve the relationship. However, after working in traditional marriage counseling for years, family therapist William J. Doherty saw the need for a particular type of therapy for mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is uncertain if staying together is worth it.
The issue he saw with going straight to traditional couples therapy is that if one partner is not fully invested in the relationship, they’re less likely to put in the work to make the relationship succeed since they’re not even sure if that’s what they truly want. Discernment therapy targets this by first helping the ambivalent or “leaning out” partner decide if they’re willing to stay together and begin couples therapy.
The importance of this therapy was well noted when The Doherty Relationship Institute did an initial research study[3] of 2,484 divorcing parents. It showed that 25% had at least one partner believing their marriage could still work, and a surprising 11% of both parties thought the relationship still had a chance. Overall, 30% were still interested in reconciliation services while they were going through a divorce.
A more recent 2015 analysis[2] of 100 couples in discernment counseling showed that about half chose to begin couples therapy and reconcile. These studies show that during the tumultuous time of a relationship on the rocks, counseling can help couples move forward with clarity. It may even allow couples that would otherwise divorce to commit to trying again.
How Does It Work?
Discernment counseling is mostly an assessment process that helps couples determine how to move forward with their relationship. There are usually three possible outcomes at the end of the counseling period:
- Postpone the decision to break up or stay together and continue on as is.
- Decide to stay together for a six-month period with both partners committing to work on the relationship.
- End the relationship.
The sessions are usually done by marriage and family therapists who are certified in discernment counseling. Within a few sessions, the couple determines which of the three options would work best.
How Is It Different From Traditional Couples Counseling?
There are several key differences between discernment counseling and couples counseling:
- Discernment counseling focuses solely on determining if there even is a solution to their problems. It does not aim to solve the relationship issues, which is done in couples or marriage counseling.
- The therapist spends more time with each person individually to help them make a decision.
- It’s brief and typically lasts one to five sessions. Once a decision is made, then the couple may go their separate ways or stay together and possibly begin long-term couples counseling, where they can learn how to better understand each other, communicate, and recover from the conflict.
If you’re considering a breakup or divorce, speaking with a counselor, even if on your own, can be a great way to let out your thoughts and gain new perspectives. They can help you map out the direction you’d like your life to go, along with helping you understand your needs and how to set the appropriate boundaries. They can also teach you tools to communicate effectively with your partner and make either the relationship or the breakup go more smoothly.
Techniques Of Discernment Therapy
If you’re unsure what to do about your relationship and believe discernment counseling might be useful, you’ll want to speak to your partner. From there, if you both agree, you can search for a marriage and family therapist who also does discernment counseling.
How Does The Initial Session Work?
The first session can last about two hours, where the discernment counselor meets with the couple both together and separately. They’ll go through four fundamental questions to help them determine how to move forward:
- What happened to cause the desire to end the relationship?
- What are you doing to improve the relationship? Is it helping?
- If there are children involved, how do they factor into the decision?
- When was the relationship at its best?
The couple will first meet with the therapist together to go through these questions. Then, they’ll have their individual counseling to discuss how they’re feeling and if any insights have been made. Afterward, they’ll rejoin as a couple again to discuss whether any conclusions have been made. If both partners agree that more time is needed to make a decision about how to move forward, they’ll schedule more discernment counseling sessions.
It’s important to note that licensed therapists do not make the final decision. The couple will have to do the work of taking the time to reflect, speak honestly and compassionately, and be open to the guidance given by the counselor in order to come to a decision.
Couples should also recognize that the sessions aren’t going to change the relationship or the feelings of their partner, only to better understand the best steps to move forward. Only when the decision has been made to stay together and work on the relationship will they start traditional couples therapy, where they begin to work on their issues.
Benefits Of Discernment Counseling
For couples on the brink of separation, discernment counseling can offer a sense of clarity about whether or not there is value in staying together. The therapist will help the couple identify the issues and if it’s possible to solve them. Once each partner has a deeper understanding of their role in the relationship and what went wrong, they’ll decide how to move forward together.
This type of therapy can prevent couples from staying in relationship limbo for months or years on end. Either they’ll be able to face their problems and finally begin to work on their issues more efficiently, or move on separately. Those that decide to stay together will likely have already identified their core issues and be able to transition to working together in traditional couples therapy more effectively.
Discernment counseling can also open the door to talk about issues such as
- Divorce
- Growing apart
- Infidelity and trust
- Resentment and anger
- Acceptance and forgiveness
- Compassion
- Communication
- Self-esteem
It’s especially beneficial for mixed-agenda couples, where one wants to leave the relationship more than the other. It’s been shown to add clarity and confidence to the couple so that they can move forward with a better understanding of their issues and each other.
They can strengthen their communication skills and reach a more neutral agreement. It can also help them talk openly about the practicalities of separation or divorce and lead to better co-parenting post-divorce.[4]
Limitations Of Discernment Counseling
While it can be helpful to couples unsure of how to move forward, it’s not particularly useful for couples where one partner has already decided with certainty that they want to end the relationship. In these cases, they may only seek counseling to help the other partner accept their decision.
It’s also not for relationships with domestic violence or those with a partner unwilling to participate.
Conclusion: Is Discernment Counseling Effective?
Discernment counseling can be an effective form of brief therapy to help couples decide whether or not to stay together. While there isn’t much research on the topic, It’s been shown to be helpful for those who have decided on divorce[4] after completing the sessions. They’re able to reach a better level of trust and neutral ground to continue on in the procedure in a more diplomatic way, as well as to co-parents afterward.
Overall, it’s likely a helpful process for those unsure to better understand what they want and how they can move forward healthily. If a breakup or divorce is being considered, discernment counseling is a great option. From there, the couple may agree to a six-month commitment to couples therapy and work on the relationship or feel more secure about their decision to split ways.
+ 4 sources
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- Apa.org. (2022). APA PsycNet. [online] Available at: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-14406-000.
- Doherty, W.J., Harris, S.M. and Wilde, J.L. (2015). Discernment Counseling for ‘Mixed‐Agenda’ Couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, [online] 42(2), pp.246–255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132.
- Apa.org. (2022). APA PsycNet. [online] Available at: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-07490-012.
- Emerson, A.J., Harris, S.M. and Ahmed, F.A. (2020). The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: experiences of post‐divorce communication and coparenting. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, [online] 47(1), pp.36–51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463.