Obsessive Love Disorder: Symptoms, Causes & Treatments 2024

You meet someone and immediately hit it off. Suddenly, you’re spending all your time together, and everything becomes about us instead of me. It’s all butterflies talking about your future kids’ names and the type of house you’ll buy one day. 

But then, you start noticing little things that feel a bit off. They’re always checking your social media accounts, questioning you about where you are or where you went, and even getting jealous of your friends. You start feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, having to be so careful about what you say and do.

If you ever feel like that, your partner might have obsessive love disorder. Read on to learn how this disorder develops, signs to watch out for, and treatment available.

What Is Obsessive Love Disorder?

Obsessive Love Disorder, or OLD,^[1] describes a mental health condition where you feel an intense, overwhelming, and all-consuming preoccupation with the person you love. 

While intense emotions can be common with love, especially when falling in love, this disorder defines a more irrational love — one that interferes with your mental health and relationships. It’s love that comes with extreme jealousy, anxiety, or possessiveness. 

Some people tie obsessive love disorder and narcissism together, but people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to have preoccupied, fearful, and dismissive attachment styles.^[2] They aren’t likely to commit or be faithful and are more likely to play games. For these reasons, they don’t typically develop OLD — where people are overly committed. 

OLD isn’t an officially recognized disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM-5.^[3] Still, it accurately describes what it feels like to be obsessed with a romantic partner in an unhealthy way and is generally accompanied by other mental health conditions.

Obsessive Love Disorder Symptoms

If you feel like something is off, and the relationship might be too intense, look more closely to see if you notice some of these symptoms:^[4]

• Low self-esteem. 
• Extreme jealousy.
• Compulsive behaviors. 
• A strong need to protect. 
• Feelings and actions of possessiveness. 
• Obsessive thoughts about your love interest.
• An overwhelming attraction and need to be close. 

Of course, signs and symptoms of OLD vary from person to person, but these are some of the most common characteristics.

Subtle Signs Of Obsessive Love Disorder

Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in the romance that we don’t even notice when red flags pop up. They might appear gradually or from the very beginning — but they often go ignored with all the initial excitement of meeting somebody new. 

Interestingly, studies show that people tend to notice controlling behavior^[5] in other relationships but not in their own. It makes sense — it’s hard to be objective when you’re the one in the relationship. But that’s what makes it all the more important to take a step back and list the signs before things go too far. 

So look out for these signs that things have taken an unhealthy turn in your relationship: 

• Persistent texts, calls, or emails to stay in touch. 
• Need constant reassurance about the relationship.
• Feeling anxious whenever your loved one doesn’t respond or isn’t around. 
• Controlling where they go, who they see, what they do, stalking, etc. 
• Frequently checking their social media and monitoring their actions. 
• Difficulty seeing other friends or family members because of the obsession. 
• Refusing to do things without them or getting mad when they do things without you. 
• Feeling so consumed by the relationship that it disrupts work, school, daily life, etc. 
• Ignoring personal boundaries. For example, showing up to an event uninvited to be together because of feelings of jealousy, protection, etc.  

Think of this list as a sort of obsessive love disorder test, where relating to some points is a sign that rethinking the relationship’s health is needed. If that’s the case, setting boundaries and reaching out for support will be needed.

What Causes Obsessive Love Disorder?

As with most mental health conditions, a variety of factors contribute to the development of OLD, such as:

• Trauma. 
• History of mental health disorders. 
• Overprotective or controlling parents. 
• Emotional or physical abuse or neglect during childhood. 
• Cultural factors — acting in accordance with media or family portrayals of love. 
• Personality traits — low self-esteem, impulsivity, and a tendency to rely on others for emotional fulfillment. 

We often learn how to behave in relationships based on our upbringing. For example. abuse or neglect from emotionally unavailable parents can lead to feelings of abandonment and insecurity.^[6] At the same time, overprotective or controlling parents can also create insecurity as well as an overreliance on others for emotional support.^[7]

Other Mental Health Conditions

These are some of the most common underlying mental health issues^[1] that need addressing in people with OLD:

• Anxiety. 
• Depression. 
• Bipolar disorder. 
• Attachment disorders. 
• Post-traumatic stress disorder. 
• Borderline personality disorder.
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

Naturally, if you had a difficult childhood or experienced abuse, you’re more likely to develop a mental health disorder. In fact, a new meta-analysis showed that childhood trauma could make you 15 times more likely^[8] to develop a borderline personality disorder. 

In general, if you had emotionally unavailable parents or trauma, you might have some difficulty becoming an emotionally secure adult with the ability to have a healthy relationship — unless you’ve actively worked to resolve the issues.

Obsessive Love Disorder Treatment

Fortunately, there are a variety of treatment options available for those with OLD, including the following:

Psychotherapy

As with most mental health conditions, therapy is one of the best treatment options for long-term recovery and healing. A therapist will dive deeper into the root cause and work toward healing trauma and developing healthier coping mechanisms. 

Some of the most common therapeutic methods for OLD include cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and filial or play therapy for children. You can also consider couples therapy if you or your partner aren’t willing to do individual therapy.

Medication

Mental health medications are common treatment options for the underlying conditions related to OLD. Of course, some side effects may include insomnia, fatigue, and even worsening symptoms. Medical treatment should be combined with psychotherapy to ensure that the root cause is managed and new coping mechanisms are learned. 

It’s also important to schedule a doctor’s check-up to get a full blood work analysis to be safe. This way, you can check for other underlying medical issues, like hormonal disorders or nutritional deficiencies affecting brain functioning, energy, stress levels, and emotions.

When To Find Professional Help

If you identify with some of the signs and symptoms listed above, it’s best to contact a mental health professional. Even if the relationship seems strong, it’s still a sign that you or your loved one might have other issues to work through. Physical and emotional harm becomes more likely with intense emotions like obsessional jealousy, possession, and control.

Also, if your partner, friends, or family have expressed their concerns about the behavior they see in the relationship, it’s a red flag. Usually, the ones who know us best can see changes we’re blind to when we’re amid a whirlwind romance. It’s so easy to get caught up in relationships that we often miss the warning signs of unhealthy patterns developing. 

Finally, know that if your relationship has turned physically or emotionally violent, you can call the national domestic violence hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) for free 24/7 support. They can also connect you with free resources in your area.

Final Thoughts

OLD is a mental health condition that affects your ability to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Some of the most common characteristics include obsessive, possessive, controlling, and sometimes dangerous behaviors. 

This condition is usually tied to an unresolved problem, such as trauma, abuse, and emotionally unavailable parents, leading to mental health issues. Some of the most common disorders associated with OLD include attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. 

Don’t dismiss your concerns if you notice any OLD signs in your relationship. Evaluate your needs, boundaries, and mental health challenges that require attention. From there, try to communicate openly, honestly, and calmly with your partner and consider individual or couples therapy. 

While coping with OLD can bring up painful traumas, professional help can teach you how to manage more healthily. Taking the time to heal old wounds and learn new ways to respect yourself and your partner gives you the best opportunity to create a long-lasting, healthy, and nourishing relationship.

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