Trauma Bonding Signs & How To Break The Bond 2023

Trauma bonds are tough to realize you are caught in and even tougher to break. A power imbalance is created between two people due to repetitive stress, fear, and abuse. It can arise from abusive situations such as human trafficking, emotional abuse, physical exploitation, or even sexual abuse, and it usually is cyclic.^[1] Trauma bonds keep people trapped in a state of cognitive dissonance with a strong attachment to the abuser.

A trauma bond begins when a perpetrator of abuse uses specific tactics to make their victim feel dependent on them and create an emotional attachment. It is most often witnessed in romantic relationships or familial environments but can also happen in friendships or work relationships as well. 

It can cause symptoms of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, which can cause difficulty breaking away from the cycle of abuse. However, breaking a trauma bond is possible, and the first step is recognizing trauma bonding signs. 

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding, or traumatic attachment, occurs when a victim forms a strong emotional bond with their abuser. In fact, trauma bonding is more likely to occur in those who have higher levels of empathy.^[2] 

Trauma bonding works in the brain through its biological response to fear and stress. When exposed to stressors, the body releases fight-or-flight hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. When this happens, the brain also releases oxytocin, our bonding hormone.^[3] The release of this hormone can lead to an emotional bond being formed for the abuser by the victim. 

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

There are seven stages of trauma bonding, as outlined below.

1. Love bombing^[4] is one of the trauma bonding relationship signs and involves excessive praise or adoration, intense sharing of feelings, and discussion of building a future and life together. This allows the abuser to access the victim’s innermost feelings, believing they have finally found someone who can love them like no one else. 
2. Love bombing sets the stage for dependency, where victims have complete trust in the abuser, and then the abuser may begin testing the victim, leading them to have doubts and question the abuser. Criticism comes next, where the abuser will begin to find fault with anything the victim does in an emotionally abusive way and cause further guilt, building the foundation for a toxic relationship. 
3. Gaslighting and manipulation are designed to make the victim question their reality. Gaslighting can cause victims to question their perception of reality, which leads to them doubting their thoughts, memories, and experiences. 
4. Eventually, targets of abuse will start giving in^[5] to avoid the exhaustion or escalation of more conflict. While they may be aware that they are being manipulated, they may still question if they caused it. 
5. Loss of self and low self-esteem occurs when the reality of the victim and their personal boundaries have been ignored, pushed, or shaped by the abuser. Addiction completes the trauma bond, with victims caught in fight or flight and the rush of hormones and chemicals that comes with it. Phases of conflict amplify this, apologies often occur, and then a return to the love bombing stage occurs, completing the cycle of abusive situations. 

Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen?

There are several risk factors for trauma bonding,^[6] which include:

• Exposure to child abuse and abusive relationships growing up.
• Lack of self-esteem, self-identity, and social support.
• Dependent personality types, insecure attachment styles, and those sensitive to rejection.
• Mental health issues such as borderline personality disorder, depression, or anxiety.
• Having trauma-bonded parents.

People with relational and emotional trauma are often targeted, as trauma bonding occurs due to an individual’s attachment style, emotional regulation, and the presence of certain neurochemicals in the brain. Specifically, research has found that individuals with an anxious attachment style,^[7] characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong need for approval and validation, are more likely to develop trauma bonds with their abusers.

Trauma bonding is reinforced by releasing neurochemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins in the brain. Oxytocin,^[8] also known as the love hormone, is released during positive social interactions and is associated with feelings of attachment and closeness. However, oxytocin is also released in response to stress and trauma, which can reinforce the bond between the abuser and the victim.

Similarly, dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward, is released during positive interactions^[9] with the abuser, leading victims to associate the abusive behavior with pleasure and validation, along with endorphins which can result in victims feeling addicted to the abuser.

Common Trauma Bonding Signs

There are several trauma bond signs^[10] that a traumatic bond is occurring. Trauma bonding examples include:

Defending Their Abuser

The victim may defend their abuser, even against evidence of an abusive relationship. This may look like the victim apologizing to their abuser or making excuses for their abusive partners.

Feeling Responsible For The Abuse

The victim might feel guilty and responsible for the abuser’s bad behavior. This may show up as apologizing to the abuser for triggering their anger, even though they have done nothing wrong.

Difficulty Leaving

The victim feels overly reliant on the abuser and has difficulty leaving them, even when it is clearly in their best interest.

Emotional Highs And Lows

The victim may experience intense peaks of emotion while being around their abuser, including both love and hate. This can be described as the rollercoaster of emotions that victims experience in an abusive relationship. This love-hate relationship is the very foundation of a toxic relationship.

Protecting Their Abuser

Trauma bonding explains the need to protect the abuser from any external harm, as the victim relies on the abuser for their sense of validation and self and does not know what life is without them. Their very sense of self-identity is entrapped in the abusive situation.

Emotional Dependency

The victim might become emotionally dependent on the abuser, feeling a sense of emptiness or loneliness without them. This may result in clingy or obsessive behavior and physical symptoms, almost like withdrawal. This resembles Stockholm syndrome, a feeling of trust^[11] or attachment in abusive situations.

Feelings Of Helplessness And Hopelessness

The victim may feel helpless and hopeless, believing they cannot escape or change their circumstances. When speaking about their situation, they may often make multiple excuses as to why leaving is impossible.

Disconnection From Reality

Individuals who have experienced prolonged trauma can develop a sense of disconnection from reality. They can appear spaced out, experience a loss of personality, and seem constantly distracted.

How To Break Traumatic Bonds

Breaking the bond is possible once the victim realizes the signs of trauma bonding. It is essential for them to understand that they are not responsible for the behavior of their abuser and to seek professional help if that is a viable option for them.

Creating a support system of some kind, which may include friends, family, a therapist, or even a national domestic violence hotline or online therapy, can help them to recognize how the abuser is treating them and how it is not a healthy relationship, plus help the victim to slowly rebuild a true sense of self-identity separate from their abusers. 

If the trauma bond is a dangerous or domestic violence situation, it is crucial to make a quiet plan to leave without risking physical safety. Having an escape plan in place when dealing with intimate partner violence may be the safest way to escape domestic abuse.

Lastly, practicing self-compassion can help individuals cope with the emotional pain of leaving an abusive relationship. 

When To Seek Professional Help

If left untreated, a trauma-bonded relationship may lead to long-term psychological or physical harm if domestic violence is involved, so seeking professional help or various types of trauma therapy is often imperative to the healing process. A mental health professional can provide the guidance and strong support system needed to break the abuse cycle while recovering from the effects of the abuser’s behavior. 

Professional help should be sought at any stage of the trauma bonding and breaking process to help mitigate the long-term effects it may cause, though the earlier, the better. 

Conclusion

Trauma bonds are complex and hard to break. Understanding why a trauma bond occurs, early detection and intervention, mainly instigated by the victim, are critical to helping them to break free, regain control of their lives, and prevent further damage to their psychological and physical well-being.

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